My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We don't watch enough power rangers
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
