After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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