i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize