This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
