Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
