Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize