In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
