well I can't set my house on fire every night
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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