Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
