well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
