I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
