fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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