I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Randomize
