Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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