My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
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