My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
These tits shall not be calmed
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
