I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
