and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
