Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Randomize
