I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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