and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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