At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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