This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
