Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
