I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
