I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
