***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Randomize
