i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
