How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
