proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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