Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize