Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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