I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
