My room smells like vodka and shame
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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