awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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