I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Randomize
