had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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