I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
