just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
