he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
