I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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