hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
