oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My ATM looks so different sober.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
