You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
