i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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