My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
