Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize
