My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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