you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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