According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
third nipple confirmed
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
