the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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