Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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