If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
