I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
