you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
