While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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