I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
