why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Randomize
