Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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