if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
