The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I have feelings that need drinking.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
