it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
