Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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