I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Ketchup is God's man juice
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
