my vag is so smooth its legendary
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
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